Roller Coaster

So, my oldest got married on July 30, 2011. What does that feel like, you ask? An emotional roller coaster is what that feels like! But then, roller coasters are great fun!!

So, I embark on a new chapter in my life. I was reading a friend's blog about a transition of chapters in her life, and was so glad to see my feelings put down into her words - ha! She verbalized a lot of what I was feeling but didn't know how to articulate. You are so excited about this new chapter of beginnings, yet you are literally mourning the "death", if you will, of the past chapters ending. You long at times for things to remain as they were, yet you know that the things to come are wonderful and exciting. A roller coaster of emotions.

The wedding day: I was so worried about being a blubbering idiot. I wasn't. But . . . only because I had too much going on that day to really sit and contemplate what was taking place. Good thing or bad thing? I don't know. My morning was spent getting the last minute things done for the reception. It took longer than I had planned, so I ended up rushing getting ready to get to the church. That was probably a good thing, because if I'd had all the time I'd planned, my hair probably wouldn't have done right, etc. As it turned out, the hair did fine. I got there and went straight back to where Erin was getting ready. She'd gone that morning to get her hair done. Her veil was already on and she was putting on her makeup. She already looked stunningly gorgeous! (I know she's mine, but she was stunning!)



At that point I really had nothing else to do but watch her and wait until the wedding hour. I had moments of tearing up, but would make myself busy so as not to lose it. :o) All of a sudden the time had come. Randy and I walked down the aisle and lit Erin's candle, then I sat. So far so good. Then the bridal party began making it's way - - once the bridesmaids started coming down, I thought, uh oh - this is it, I'm going to lose it. I had to work really hard not to. Allyson almost did too, so I couldn't look at her for support. :o) Then the bride. I thought, "I'll watch Stephen", he was smiling, but I think he was fighting it as well and I decided that watching him was not such a good idea after all, so I turned to watch my first born be walked down the aisle on her daddy's arm (I'm tearing up now worse than I did then! geez) I was so proud!! The ceremony was beautiful! It didn't last long, and all of a sudden, they were pronounced man and wife. Wow. I really have a child who is a married woman now! Surreal. The rest of the evening flew by! The reception was hot, but we had a blast!! I think everyone had a good time, in spite of the heat (104 degrees that day!) Now it almost seems like a blur!

I am still wrestling with my transition of chapters. I miss her not being in my house. As a matter of fact, I am sitting in her bedroom as I type this (which is becoming a joint office/guest bedroom). I am trying to not be the mother who can't let go, so I haven't called much, but I so miss talking with her. I'm waiting about a month, then I'll call more. :o) This transition of chapters is going to be a long roller coaster ride, I believe, because while I'm trying to navigate the transition of one being married, the youngest one is now back at college in her senior year, and I am missing her terribly too. This may be the beginning of yet another chapter transition, and I'm not sure I can handle 2 chapter transitions at the same time.

Wait - - did I say roller coasters were fun? WHAT was I thinking? :o)

Father's Day

So, I started the day out thinking about my daddy. He passed way 9 months ago. We weren't "close", and to be honest, I didn't talk to him much. I did; however, call him on Father's Day; but today, I couldn't do that. It's been a day of reflection for me. The thing is, the memory embedded in my mind are of his last days. I try not to let this be my memory of him, and maybe this will go away with time, but every time I think of him, that's what I see and remember. Sometimes these memories just hit me out of the blue, when other days I don't think about it at all. I guess that's just the way it is; and maybe it will always be that way. It's just hard sometimes.

Journey

I've been reading through the March issue of Journey, a daily devotional magazine for women. I know it's April, but I don't have April's issue, so I'm reading March's! AND, I haven't been reading it as a daily devotional really, but reading several days devotionals at one sitting. It's not designed to be read this way, but it has had some effectiveness none the less.

Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men.

Well, that alone got my attention, because I have really been not doing anything as if I was doing it for the Lord due to the depressed state I have been in. I had gotten into a rut of sleeping in longer than I should and being late for work every day. I knew I was in this rut, I just couldn't seem to get myself out of it. One of my supervisors (yes, I have more than 1) mentioned it to me. Then later that evening I read this verse. OK, I get it. I have been working very hard to get up on time and not be late to work. And except for 1 day in the past 2 weeks, I have succeeded! I keep remembering to concentrate on 1 day at a time - the day I'm currently in. This verse also convicted me of really taking a look at what I need to do to climb out of this circumstance I am currently trudging through. And I need to to this because the Lord wants the best for me, and He will help me get through this!

One of the devotions was titled "The Hall of UnFaith" - If the Bible had an addendum called the Hall of UnFaith, my portrait would be there, wrote the writer. Boy, I felt the same way! The Lord has provided for us all this time, but I still worry about the future, and I am not usually a worrier. In my last post I prayed about my unfaith. I'm still praying that.

Another day's devotion was titled "Pleasing People or God?" I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to be pleased with me in every way. I am "cut to the core" when confronted about something that I did or did not do that didn't please someone, whether it be at home or at work. I dwell on it for days. The writer stated that if our need to please others consumes us, it will drain us of our confidence and steal our joy. Sometimes these confrontations do drain my confidence, and it takes me a long time to rebuild my self-esteem. The writer suggested doing a personal Bible study on what truly pleases God. I'm thinking about this.

"Wise Leisure" was another day's devotion title. The writer says "we can unwisely fill our lives with activities until they drain us. Staying up late to watch TV... may cause us to shirk responsibilities, which then stresses us out further." BINGO! With "Dancing with the Stars" and "American Idol" on 2 nights a week, I tend to sit there and fast forward through the DVR to catch every minute of it. Then the kitchen doesn't get cleaned, or the bathroom doesn't get cleaned, or whatever, doesn't get done. Then it's waaaay past my bedtime and thus, I have a hard time getting up on time. It's a vicious cycle. I'm working on disciplining myself from TV. This is H-A-R-D!!

"Little Things" is the next devotion that spoke to me. It's about integrity. "Integrity is a huge character trait that is made up of the little things we do." The writer went on to remind us that Psalm 139 teaches us that God is intimately aware of our every move. I pulled out my Bible and read the entire Psalm 139. It is now one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

Other items I underlined in other day's devotions:

1. God is our power source and His strength truly can be perfected in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:19)

2. While reading and I really felt this statement "God, I can't do this anymore". The writer wrote this: When God sent the Israelites into the land He had promised, He reminded them of His past provision and protection, as well as what happened when they did not obey, reiterating, "Keep the commands of the LORD your God" (Deut. 4:2). He didn't promise that obedience would be easy, only that they would be blessed as long as they put obedience to Him above all else. - - - Well, it struck me that it took the Israelites 40 years before they got what God had promised. Why do I expect it overnight? Then I was reminded that going through "my wilderness" was not easy (and it is NOT!) but that I would be blessed as long as I put my obedience to God above ALL else. I had moved away from this a bit, and need to get back on the obedience track! In reading more from Deut. 8, vs 3 really hit home. It says "He humbled you and allowed you to be hungry". I think my hunger is to have this difficult situation I am in taken away, but He is teaching me something here and I haven't figure it all out yet.

3. Another passage in one of the articles that really hit home was John 6:68 "Lord, who will we go to? You have the words of eternal life." Hello!! Why do we ask friends for advice? Why do we seek "experts" to help? This passage tells us VERY clearly - - The Lord is the one with the words of life! DUH!

I think I'll just leave it at that.

BLESSINGS!

I'm in a funk right now. I'm literally teetering on the edge of depression, I think. No matter where I am: home, work, church even - I want to be left alone and not bothered by anyone. I'm on the edge of tears almost constantly - especially when I'm left alone. Kind of a Catch 22, huh?

So, to pull myself out of this, I really need to concentrate on the blessings in my life. There are many, but of late, I sure haven't "felt" like it. So, to help me remember and to "feel" like I'm blessed . . . a list of at least some of my blessings, because I'm sure there are many many more:

1. God loves me!
2. God provides for me!
a. I have a roof over my head.
b. I have more than 1 vehicle in my driveway.
c. I have food in my pantry.
d. I have my health.
e. I have friends.
f. I have a job.
g. I have a faithful spouse.
h. I have 2 healthy children.
i. I even have the sweetest puppy on earth!
3. God has given me the love of music and the ability to sing praises to Him.
4. God put me in this country that has the freedom to worship Him.

So, why do I feel so "not-blessed"? It's partly because of poor decisions I've made, and thus I'm facing the consequences of those decisions. I've been trudging through this mire for 2 1/2 years now, and I'm growing weary. I've tried to keep God in the center of things and trust Him to walk with me through this mire. I know that I know that He has been right there with me the whole time, but I often take my eyes off of Him and try to do the trudging on my own. That's what I am doing again, and thus, the discontent and depressed, sad feelings I'm having.

God, help my un-belief, my un-faith, my un-trust. You promised that you work all things for good. I do believe that, I'm just weary that it is not happening sooner. You told us to ask for our heart's desires, so I'm asking you now to please relieve this burden that is upon me. Please help me to keep my eyes on You and to remember how You have blessed me in the past and that You always want what is best for me. Thank you for loving me, even when I have moments of un-belief. Help me to live moment by moment. This moment, right now, I have all that I need. Thank you Father God for all that I am learning - even though it is hard.

ALLYSON

So, after reading my last post, my youngest, Allyson, has felt a bit left out. My 2010 Highs and Lows didn't mention her at all. Well, Allyson, I apologize. YOU are a BIG HIGH in my life - not just in 2010!! But, while we're on the 2010 review, these are things about you and your life that were highs for me:

1. You have found a great group of friends at HPU.
2. You are incredibly talented and creative, and this is all culminating in your studies. I'm amazed at times at how good you are. And proud! I beam when I hear you talking to someone about design. Your knowledge and confidence are strong!
3. You have bloomed this year - spiritually, socially, academically, in every aspect of your life really. The Allyson I know is back!

I love you, Baby Girl! (and I know you were teasing me about not being mentioned in the last post - but maybe there was a little bit of truth to the comment. I hope this helps!)

Mom

2010 vs 2011

So, I'm long overdue on a blog post, and after seeing a lot of other people reflecting on 2010 and looking forward to 2011, I thought - why not join in? So, since today is the last day of January, it is high time I begin doing some reflecting on my past year and looking forward to the next because after January, what's the use really?

2010 Highs and Lows
1. HIGH: My children's choir at church did a musical entitled "Land of the Giants". It was one of the most fun musicals I have done. The script was cute, the songs were awesome, and it was just plain fun!

2. LOW: We did NOT get to take a family vacation this year. I missed my vegging time on the beach.

3. HIGH: Erin graduated with her Masters degree - with a 4.0, I might add! I'm very proud of her!! She is now officially smarter than her mother (academically at least).

4. LOW: My dad died.

5. HIGH: I had the opportunity to spend time with my dad during his last days along with my sisters.

6. LOW: My dad's wife was not easy to deal with during all of this. I tried to realize that she was hurting and angry and whatever, but geez.

7. HIGH: Erin got a job - and the one she wanted at that! She gets to live at home and save up some money instead of jumping right into the world of rent and bills - although we did pass some things her way (cell phone, car insurance, . . .)

8. LOW/HIGH: Randy was still without a job, although he did get hired PT at Costco. It is something, but it is not enough.

9. HIGH: Stephen proposed to Erin!

I'll end 2010 on a HIGH note!

Looking on to 2011
1. Erin's wedding will definitely be the highlight of 2011. We are in good shape with the plans and have had fun so far with all of it!

2. K-Love has been talking about coming up with "A word for 2011" instead of new year's resolutions. Some of the ones I've heard people mention for themselves are: Conduit, Clear, Facebook (having their face in God's book) - it's to be a word that will drive deep into your soul to help you become the kind of person you want to be. I've been listening to them talk about this daily, and just today decided I needed to jump on board. I've been asking God all day what word He has for me to focus on this year. I'm still not 100% sure of it, but one that seems to be sticking is "Closer". I need to draw closer to Him this year. Unless He speaks extremely clearly to me that it should be something else, that's what I'm going with. CLOSER

3. So, with that word, I'm beginning a Bible study with a few women from church. We will be studying a book entitled "Boundaries". I have the 1st lesson information printed out and need to go purchase the book tomorrow so that I can begin getting CLOSER to God.

4. Because of Erin's wedding, I've a bit of motivation to eat healthier and exercise. Hopefully I'll drop some inches and weight before the wedding day. I have 6 months!!

5. I pray that Randy can get into a full time position/job somewhere - anywhere - this year! I must admit that I'm tired of money being tight. I also have to admit that God has truly been faithful, and I'm not really sure how we've made it except by his faithfulness!

Well that's a lot of expectation for a new year, and I'm sure there will be other things to speak about regarding 2011 when it comes to an end, but for now, these are the items I'm seeing and wishing and hoping for in the coming year!

Random Thoughts

Well, it has been a complete month since my last post about committing to a daily devotion. How have I done you may ask? Not so well. But, that's the great thing about God . . . He gives me another chance, and another, and another. I'm SO glad He does!!! Ok, so this daily commitment thing is a challenge, and a work in progress. I'm not giving up!



I heard a new song today that really touched me. It's called "Where"s the Line to See Jesus?"
It was written from a question that a child asked. At the mall, this child saw the line to see Santa and asked the adult family member with him where the line to see Jesus was. If it's Jesus' birthday, then where is the line to see Jesus? Now, go listen to the song. . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OExXItDyWEY


OK - my brain is tired - I don't have any other interesting thoughts tonight.